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Loving and Caring Relationships and Families ©

preached* for the Unitarian Universalist Church of Greater Lansing
by the Rev. Kathryn A. Bert
October 8, 2006

This is the first in a series of eight sermons this year based on A Spiritual Covenant with America from the Network of Spiritual Progresssives and laid out in the book, The Left Hand of God by Rabbi Michael Lerner. I got very excited about this work because I felt like finally I was getting my head and heart around a political voice that was authentic and non-partisan. I had become quite cynical. Jimmy Carter was probably the last election where I was hopeful, and I couldn’t even vote in that election – I was in 6th grade. Oh, there was John Anderson, in 1980 – I still couldn’t vote in that election, but I remember supporting the 50 cent gas tax and arguing for it in my social studies class in high school. But already, you can see, along with the rest of the country, I had given up on Jimmy Carter and was looking for another political voice.

My age is obvious by this opening…and my cynicism therefore somewhat explained. I grew up watching the War in Vietnam on TV and the Watergate hearings. I remember the day Nixon resigned. I was staying at my grandparents on a farm in Othello, WA – and even my lifelong Republican grandparents were relieved at that point.

The entire red state/blue state dichotomy kind of sums it up for me. It seems like a false choice, demeaning to both parties and constituencies. I get tired of the "you know you’re a redneck when…" jokes – after all, "they’re my species" as Maude says to Harold in the movie, Harold and Maude.

and I get tired of my own cynicism – it’s the easy way to opt out. and it’s not a very religious position. Religion, in my opinion, should ever be expansive and widening, it should open us up to broader hopes and matters – wider concerns. It calls us to our larger selves – the self beyond petty interests, beyond red and blue, beyond even the concerns of our particular species.

So, I’d like to offer an alternative view to that political cynicism, one that I’m working on and that I believe that cuts through the agenda of each major political party and, hopefully, to the heart of the matter. We begin with the family. The first Spiritual Covenant with America reads:

We will create a society that promotes rather than undermines loving and caring relationships and families. We will challenge the materialism and selfishness (often rooted in the dynamics of the competitive marketplace) that undermine loving relationships and family life.

The spiritual covenant goes on to explain that:

Every institution or social practice that encourages us to see others as instruments for our own advancement rather than as embodiments of the sacred must be reconceptualized and rebuilt so that it instead maximizes our capacities to be loving and generous and caring. We will challenge cynical attempts to reduce life to self-interest. And we will oppose the cheapening of sexuality that regularly occurs as marketers use sex to sell their products and seek to do so with teens and now pre-teens.

The liberal agenda that traditionally focuses on material advancement and economic changes – all of which are important in my opinion – fails to address why it is so difficult for all families, not just those in poverty, to foster loving and caring relationships. And the conservative agenda which promotes and provides religious communities for family support – something which I see has positive, if the religious community is healthy – has also focused on restricting the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, teaching women to be subordinate to men, and opposing abortion –all issues which undermine the love and care of families that include gays and lesbians, feminists, and women who find themselves pregnant and might face hard decisions about that pregnancy.

In fact, it seems that both traditional political agendas encourage us to see others as instruments for our own advancement (or the advancement of our cause) rather than embodiments of the sacred. What would the political agenda look like if we were actually trying to create a society that promotes rather than undermines loving and caring relationships and families? First of all, accepting that families come in all shapes and sizes. Love and care are not restricted to monogamous heterosexual relationships. To suggest that some families don’t count, or are bad, or against God’s law, does not strengthen other relationships – it just undermines all relationships. Love and care is not a restrictive commodity. There is no finite supply. In fact, it only grows with more. To make it illegal for loving couples to have the rights of marriage does not strengthen the rights of the few with the legal rights.

Some of my UU colleagues, ministers, have pledged to not sign the legal documents of marriage for heterosexual couples that they marry until all couples have the right to marry. I respect the integrity of that position for those colleagues, but I choose to show my support for the legalization of same sex marriage in a different way. Rather than taking away rights until there are rights for all, I simply ask the heterosexual couples I marry to pay an extra fee –and that money goes to the Freedom to Marry fund at the Unitarian Universalist Association, which promotes legalized marriage for all. Basically, it’s a heterosexual tax. Heterosexuals get the benefits, so I charge them a little extra to fight for the benefits for others. They only have to pay the fee, of course, if they want me to officiate. I’ve not had any couple object to this practice since I initiated it more than a year ago.

Secondly, I believe that we would challenge the commercialism that undermines family life.

For example, Wal-Mart has a new website, with no age requirement to use, where kids are encouraged to nag their parents for holiday gifts – the elves on the site actually say, "choosing the toy is just the beginning – you also have to tell someone. If you show us what you want on your wish list, we’ll blast it off to your parents. We’ll help plead your case" Kids are encouraged to divulge their parents email address to send their wish list. Don’t we have a hard enough time navigating commercialism without Wal-Mart bypassing parents entirely and encouraging our children to nag? The Campaign for a Commercial-free childhood, an organization I learned about this summer, says, and I agree, that "nagging is not a family value."

Thirdly, this leads to the discussion of poverty – because it’s easy for me to rail against Wal-Mart – I can afford to shop elsewhere. Those living on the edge, however, have little choice. If they want affordable goods, there choices are far more limited. This is why full time employment, child care, flex time, a coordinated effort to alleviate poverty and other economic changes are so very important.

Jim Wallis, evangelical preacher, who spoke at People’s church last week – I understand that quite a few of you were there –Jim Wallis, I think, is one of our country’s best advocates for the poor – for the religious position of helping the poor.

One of my favorite rants of his is about how Americans misunderstand the biblical text "the poor you will always have with you," Mark’s gospel, chapter 14, verse 7. Writes Wallis, in his book, God’s Politics:

But how do modern Americans interpret this text? We simply use it as an excuse "the poor you will always have with you" gets translated into "there is nothing we can do about poverty, and the poor will always be there, so why bother?" Yet that’s not what the text is saying at all. The critical difference between Jesus’ disciples and a middle-class church is precisely this: our lack of proximity to the poor. The continuing relationship to the poor that Jesus assumes will be natural for his disciples is unnatural to an affluent church. The "social location" of the affluent Christians has changed; we are no longer "with" the poor, and they are no longer with us. The middle-class church doesn’t know the poor and they don’t know us. Wealthy Christians talk about the poor but have no friends who are poor. So they merely speculate on the reasons for their conditions, often placing the blame on the poor themselves. (page 211, God’s Politics)

We need to help eliminate poverty .Zogby International conducted a poll a week after the last presidential election and asked Americans to choose the most urgent moral problem in American culture, 33 percent selected greed and materialism; 31 percent poverty and economic justice, 16 percent abortion, and 12 percent same sex marriage. When asked to identify the greatest threat to marriage 31 percent identified infidelity,25 percent rising financial burdens, and 22 percent identified same-sex marriage.

(page xx-xxi, God’s Politics)

So, finally, fourth on my list – so far, I’ve identified accepting that families come in all shapes and sizes, second, we need to counteract commercialism, materialism and greed, and third, end poverty.

Fourth, which an extension of the second point, but important enough for its own discussion: opposing the cheapening of sexuality that regularly occurs as marketers use sex to sell their products.

I recently saw the movie, Little Miss Sunshine, which highlighted this point for me perfectly. It’s about a very dysfunctional family and centers around the little girl, Olive, who wants to win the Little Miss Sunshine contest. It’s a beauty pageants for little girls. 6,7,8 year old girls, little girls. Olive’s father is a flop motivational speaker, who barely speaks to her mother, the most stable element in the family. Olive’s uncle Frank, a renown Proust scholar, has moved in with them after attempting suicide after an unsuccessful romance with a male graduate student. Olive’s brother Dwayne, follower of Nietzche, has taken a vow of silence which allows him minor escape from the family traumas, and her grandfather has a drug problem, but is the one who pays the most attention to Olive and coaches her in her talent routine for the contest. The movie is a stunning portrait of everything that can go wrong in a family system. However, what I love is the ending, which exposes the fragile boundary of acceptable behavior in a society that promotes the exploitation of 6,7, and 8 year old girls (and women of all ages, I might add) but particularly these little ones who are taught that physical beauty means sexy and that make up and high heels are essential equipment in the contest for beauty and talent. This dysfunctional family extraordinaire comes out looking a little more sane when placed in the greater context of societal values of exploitation, self-interest, and cheapening sexuality. Their quirks and phobias begin to make sense as coping mechanisms to survive in a very dysfunctional society.

By agreeing that society exploits sex, I am not suggesting that we return to the days of sexual repression and denial. The sexual exploitation that existed underground before the sexual revolution, has now surfaced. I’m not saying there weren’t also important gains from the sexual revolution – "there were," she says – a woman preaching from this pulpit and talking about sex - "but what we need now is a fundamental shift placing sex and sexual expression back into its sacred place in relationship." I’ll be talking more about this subject next month when I deal with the second spiritual covenant with America – that sermon is scheduled for November 5th.

I think in an attempt to be accepting of different ways of sexual expression, we sometimes accept sexual exploitation as just another expression of sexuality. An interesting topic this week, as the content of inappropriate emails to house pages by former Representative Mark Foley. The story gets complicated by his revelations that he is gay, alcoholic, and that he was molested as a teen by a clergyman. We can be clear that it is the exploitative nature of his relationship with the underage pages that is a problem, and not his sexual orientation. This nuance may be missed by some on the political right who may drive gay republicans further underground – again, using others as instruments for their own advancement rather than embodiments of the sacred. And the entire scandal may be used by the political left, also as an instrument for their own advancement. This is where clear religious values are important, so we can promote capacities on both sides of the aisle to be loving and generous and caring, even in light of such a complicated, tragic, and hurtful scandal.

I think the first platform of the Spiritual Covenant with America comes down to four things.

First of all, Families come in all shapes and sizes. We should be supporting loving families in all of their strange and wonderful configurations, and understand that more love and caring in the world is a good thing.Two, we need to counteract commercialism, materialism and greed. Organizations such as the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood or Adbusters Media Foundation are good places to start. I don’t know if you’ve heard about these sneakers called Blackspot made from organically grown cotton, recycled rubber bands, produced in a factory with exemplary labor practices, and the moment you buy a pair, you’re a shareholder in the Blackspot Anticorporation. They aim to make products that are human and environmentally friendly, for which there is already a demand, and which are not promoted or pushed on the public with useless advertising. (Ode Magazine, October 2006, page 57)

Three, we need to end poverty.

One out of every six children in America is poor (13 million children), 36 million people live below the poverty line (more people than live in any state, including California), 4 million families are hungry to a point where people in the household are skipping meals, 45 million Americans are without health insurance – including 8.4 million children, and 14 million families have critical housing needs as affordable housing disappears, rents and housing prices soar, and homelsess ness is on the rise…. (page 223, God’s Politics)

And we need to oppose the cheapening of sexuality that regularly occurs as marketers use sex to sell their products. Part of the technology curriculum in our schools now includes ethical issues of the information age – such as internet bullying and pornography, exploitation – issues that would help, for example, a young page should an adult congressional representative send suggestive and inappropriate text messages... I feel out of my league as a parent with regard to changing technology, and the new a different ways marketers use sex to sell, and create a culture where marketing looks an awful lot like pornography. Families need all the help they need.

I feel like I’ve just scratched the surface of this subject, so if you’re interested in it, I recommend both the books I’ve quoted – The Left Hand of God by Rabbi Michael Lerner and God’s Politics by Jim Wallis. I think they offer us a religious way to approach the current political climate and critique the culture that shapes us and more importantly, that we can help shape differently. It is not a red state truth our families are in peril. Families are in peril everywhere. Families with two parents and one parent, and same sex parents, and opposite sex parents. Families with lots of kids and families with no kids and adults who create families of choice among their friends in order to survive. Families need a society that promotes rather than undermines loving and caring relationships. May that new society begin here and begin with us. Amen.

 

* Sermons are meant to be spoken and not written. I have not edited this homily to written form.  

Unitarian Universalist Church of Greater Lansing
855 Grove St. | East Lansing, MI 48823 | 517-351-4081

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