believe me, i KNOW that those "Frequently Asked Questions" things (FAQs) are an incredibly annoying and inefficient way of presenting information and could only have been invented by someone who spends all their time interacting with a machine instead of other humans. i never imagined i'd actually write one myself. but then one day i mentioned to a friend that 90% of the people who write to me ask the same questions, none of which i can really answer, and she said with a sly grin, "why don't you write a FAQ?" i told her a dozen reasons why not, but i guess the idea grew on me. if you have a question, i can tell you right now that i can't answer it. please read on, because maybe i'll answer your question right here.

Q: did you know that you spelled the word "women" wrong?
A: duh.

Q: i don't feel like treating my yeast infection. left alone, will it go away, or will it kill me?
A: i don't know what happens if you leave it untreated, say, for years. i've tried this experiment on a small scale, and i usually break down after about 3 days and treat it. i don't think it will go away on its own. and it may not kill you, but i bet it could make you incredibly miserable and/or sterile. if you DO try the experiment for more than, say, 60 days, please write and tell me what happens.

Q: i DO want to treat my yeast infection, but i'm having trouble doing so. can i tell you my long narrative horror story about how badly doctor has misdiagnosed/mistreated me so that you can validate my feelings and give me permission to switch doctors?
A: sure, if it'll make you feel better, go right ahead. you probably realize that you don't need me, a total stranger, to tell you to change doctors if you're unhappy with yours; if you think your doctor is incompetent or insensitive, definitely change. but really, do feel free to tell me your story.

Q: i tried one of the home remedies, and now i've lost a clove of garlic up inside my vagina. can you help?
A: not really. i can't reach up there over email, and i don't know you that well anyway. try pushing down as hard as you can, while sitting on the toilet or squatting. if that doesn't work, wait a few hours or overnight, and try again. and if that doesn't work, buck up and ask a friend or doctor for help.

Q: i have these symptoms ... if i describe them to you, can you diagnose me?
A: no. sorry, but i'm not a doctor, and besides, i doubt any responsible physician would diagnose anyone over email.

Q: i have [fill in a complicated medical condition] as well as a yeast infection. can you recommend a treatment for me?
A: no. sorry, but i'm not a doctor or pharmacist. diseases can interact with each other, drugs can interact with each other, and i don't know anything about that kind of thing.

Q: can you tell me more about [some aspect of yeast infections]?
A: no. really, everything i know about yeast infections is right here in these pages. i promise i'm not keeping anything from you.

Q: i have a urinary tract infection. can you tell me more about causes or treatments?
A: no. i really only know about yeast infections.

Q: i have endometriosis. can you tell me more about causes or treatments?
A: no. i really only know about yeast infections.

Q: i'm pregnant. can you tell me more about causes or treatments?
A: no. i really only know about yeast infections.

Q: i have [fill in some other kind of female trouble]. can you tell me more about causes or treatments?
A: no. i really only know about yeast infections.

Q: i have a systemic yeast infection. can you tell me more about causes or treatments?
A: no. i really only know about vaginal yeast infections.

Q: my girlfriend doesn't have access to the web and is having some kinda yucky gynecological problem. can you call her to talk to her about it?
A: no. sorry, but i'm not a doctor, i'm very shy around people i don't know well, and i barely have the time and money to keep my own life together.

Q: can you recommend a doctor for me to go to?
A: no. i only know about my own doctor, and odds are pretty good that she's too far away for you to go to.

Q: can you evaluate a doctor/clinic/treatment that i heard about?
A: no. if i don't mention it on these pages, i don't know anything about it.

Q: would you like to buy my product or service?
A: no. absolutely not. no way in hell. leave me alone.