The 12 Days of Christmas

  December 14, 1995

  Dearest John,
      I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a
  Pear Tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn't have been more
  surprised.
                  With deepest love and affection,
                  Aberdeen

  December 15, 1995

  Dearest John,
      Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine, Two
  Turtle Doves!  I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just
  adorable.  You big silly, what next?
                      All my love,
                      Aberdeen

  December 16,1995

  Dear John,
      Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one!  Now I really must protest.  I
  don't deserve such generosity--Three French Hens.  They are just darling,
  but I must insist, you've been too kind.
                      Love,
                     Aberdeen

  December 17, 1995

  Dear John,
      Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds.  Now, really,
  they're beautiful but don't you think enough is enough?  You're being too
  romantic.
                      Affectionately,
                      Aberdeen

  December 18,1995

  Dearest John,
      What a surprise!  Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings; one
  for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all
  these birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
                      All my love,
                      Aberdeen

  December 19, 1995

  Dear John,
      When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese A-Laying on my
  front steps.  So you're back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese are huge.
  Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining, and I can't
  sleep through the racket.  Please Stop.
                      Cordially,
                      Aberdeen

  December 20, 1995

  John:
      What's with you and those fucking birds?  Seven Swans-A-Swimming.
  What kind of goddamn joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the house,
  and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I'm a
  nervous wreck.  It's not funny , so stop with those fucking birds.
                        Sincerely,
                        Aberdeen

  December 21, 1995

  Okay Buster:
      I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with
  Eight Maids-A-Milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and
  maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows.  There's shit all
  over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house.  What are you doing to me?
  Just lay off me, smart-ass!

                          Aberdeen

  December 22, 1995

  Hey Shithead:
      What are you, some kind of sadist?  Now there's Nine Pipers Playing.
  And Christ, do they play!  They've never stopped chasing those maids since
  they got here yesterday morning.  The cows are getting upset and they're
  stepping all over those screeching birds.  What am I going to do?  The
  neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
                   You'll get yours,
                   Aberdeen
                          
  December 23, 1995

  You Rotten Prick:
      Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing.  I don't know why they call those
  sluts ladies.  They have been balling those pipers all night long.  Now the
  cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of
  shit.  The commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
  building shouldn't be condemned.  I'm going to sic the police on you.
              One who means it,
                      Venomously,
                      Aberdeen

  December 24, 1995

  Listen Fuckhead:
      What's with the Eleven Lords-A-Leaping on those maids and ladies?
  Some of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the
  maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All twenty-three birds
  are dead.  They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
  satisfied, you rotten, viscious swine.
                    You're sworn enemy,
                    Aberdeen

                    Law Offices
          Badger, Bander, and Cajole

  December 26, 1995

  Dear Sir,
      This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Fiddler's
  Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Aberdeen
  McHolstein.  The destruction, of course, was total.  All correspondence
  should come to our attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss
  McHolstein at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to
  shoot you on sight.  With this letter, please find attached a warrant for
  your arrest.

  Cordially,
 
  Badger, Bender, and Cajole