50 Ways to Confuse your Roommate

                   50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE

 1.  Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally.
 2.  Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
 3.  Twitch a lot.
 4.  Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
 5.  Steal a fishtank.  Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.  Talk to
     them.
 6.  Become a subgenius.
 7.  Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
 8.  Learn to levitate.  While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
     your seat.  When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
 9.  Speak in tongues.
 10.  Move you roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtlely.  Gradually
      work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the
      ceiling.
 11.  Walk and talk backwards.
 12.  Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the cans in the
      middle of your room.  Number them.
 13.  Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.  If your
      roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
      than meets the eye."
 14.  Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
      Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
 15.  Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
      kazoo.  If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
      performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
 16.  Collect all your urine in a small jug.
 17.  Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him/her to bring you food.
 18.  Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it.  Turn it off
      when you are.
 19.  Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
      weeks."
 20.  Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.  Pretend to
      masturbate while reading them.
 21.  Fake a heart attack.  When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
      pretend nothing happened.
 22.  Eat glass.
 23.  Smoke ball-point pens.
 24.  Smile.  All the time.
 25.  Collect dog shit in baby food jars.  Sort them according to what you
       think the dog ate.
 26.  Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
 27.  Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
      When you get hungry, root around in the trash.  Find the food, and eat
      it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that
      s/he reimburse you.
 28.  Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.  Include a list of
      grievances.
 29.  Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
 30.  Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
      then look away quickly.
 31.  Dye all your underwear lime green.
 32.  Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed.  Swim.
 33.  Bye three loaves of stale bread.  Grow mold in the closet.
 34.  Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.  Accuse him/her
      of stealing it.
 35.  Remove your door.  Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
 36.  Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster.  Sacrifice something nasty.
 37.  Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
      Announce that you are going to take a shower.  Do so.  Keep this up for
      three weeks.
 38.  Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.  Refuse
      to discuss them.
 39.  Paint your half of the room black.  Or paisley.
 40.  Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
       "Didja ever wonder why...."  Be creative.
 41.  Shave one eyebrow.
 42.  Put your mattress underneath your bed.  Sleep down under there and pile
      your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe.  If your roommate comments,
      mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
 43.  Put horseradish in your shoes.
 44.  Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.  Complain loudly
      that you can never find the book that you want.
 45.  Always flush the toilet three times.
 46.  Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.  Vomit often.
 47.  Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
      least 6 hours a day.  If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
      assignment for your primitive cultures class.
 48.  Give him/her an allowance.
 49.  Listen to radio static.
 50.  Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.  Close them
      as soon as you wake up.

30 More Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

30 MORE Ways To Confuse Your Roommate:

1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning.  Give them to
him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and
fall over backwards.  Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes.  Then,
one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get
up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on.  Pretend to read
without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the
book is.
4. Get a surfboard.  Put it on your bed.  Stand on it, and pretend to
surf for about fifteen minutes.  Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off
the bed onto the floor.  Pretend you are drowning until your roommate
comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet.  Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every
day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster.  Make a shake using a lot of
ketchup.  When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the
empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in.
Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that
the toaster doesn't know what it's doing.  If your roommate suggests plugging
it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going
away to "find yourself."  Leave, and come back in about ten minutes.  If your
roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly.  If you need to ask or tell
him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
water.  When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to
sleep.  If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the
bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making  annoying gagging
sounds, until he/she does so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate.  If he/she asks about it,
say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall.  Throw darts at it.
Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you
again."
12. Get a can of beans.  Label them, "Jumping beans."  Eat them, and then
jump around the room.  Get another can of beans.  Label them, "Dancing
beans."  Eat them, and then dance around the room.  Get another can of
beans.  Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans."  Eat them, smiling at
your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then
wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you
every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time.  Eventually, think up
melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate.  If
he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room.  If your roommate doesn't obey
them, give him/her tickets.  Confiscate something your roommate owns
until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times.  If your roommate
inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo.  You'll be safe
with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you.  Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying
in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a
Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything.  Bump
into walls and doors.  Put your clothes on backwards.  Say, "Who's that?"
every time your roommate enters the room.  When you're not wearing the
glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp.  Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with
your face.  Explain to your roommate that you have established a
connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp.  Tell your roommate
that "Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf.  Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gases."  Look at them often.  One day, act surprised
and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the
gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks.  Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway.  Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down.  Apologize, and say that
he/she looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and
subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and
memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your
head crashes through the glass.  Then say, "Silly me," open the window
again, and try to stick your head through.  Act like you hit your head on
something.
27. Dress like a military officer.  Insist that your roommate salute you
upon sight.  If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups.  Keep
saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar.  Act excited whenever you add to
it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that
sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit.  At a designated time every day, take the rabbit
into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches.  If your roommate
inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Take three percocet. Smoke marijuana. Do what comes naturally.

20 More Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

20 More Ways To Confuse Your Roommate:

1. Every morning, when you get up, say, "Well, time to go to class."  Sit
on your bed and act like you're turning your room key in the ignition.  Then act
like you're driving, turning an invisible steering wheel and making,
"Rrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrr" engine sounds.  Then, one day, chug a few beers
before "driving" to class.  Make the "Rrrrrrrrrrr" sounds, and then say,
"Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech" and act like you've had a car accident.  Fling yourself
off the bed and across the room, and pretend to be hurt.  Spend the day in bed
with an icepack on your forehead.
2. Whenever your roommate sneezes, immediately call the Rescue Squad and report
that your roommate is spreading a highly contagious, infectious disease around
the building.  If your roommate protests, go on a tangent about health codes.
3. Every night, when you do your homework, put a balloon on the chair before
you sit down.  When the balloon breaks, act like you've been startled.  Scream
continuously for two minutes.  Then, stop suddenly, and start on your homework,
as if nothing happened.
4. Wear earmuffs, all the time.  Act like you can never understand what your
roommate is saying.  Pick up the phone at random, say "Hello?", and act
confused, as if you don't understand why nobody's there.  Answer the door at
random, as if somebody had knocked, and look around the hallway as if
somebody's supposed to be there.  After about a week, stop wearing the
earmuffs, and advise your roommate to never buy a hearing aid at a garage sale.
5. When you return from a class, instead of opening the door, break it down
with a big piece of lumber.  Tell your roommate you forgot your key.
6. Every night, when your roommate comes home, wait on the other side of the
door.  When your roommate opens the door, act like he/she hit you in the head,
and that you've been knocked unconscious.  Spend the night sleeping on the
floor.  After about a week, go to bed as you normally would.  Complain loudly
that you can't sleep.
7. Get lots of tomatoes.  Sit with them in a corner of the room and have secret
meetings.  Inform your roommate that you have been nominated for president of
the tomatoes.  Put up campaign posters around the room. Select one tomato to be
your campaign manager.  Make speeches in front of the tomatoes.  Then, one day,
when your roommate comes back, give him/her a jar of tomato sauce, go on a
tirade about fixed elections, and tell him/her that you really didn't want to
be president of the tomatoes anyway.
8. Get a hamster.  Keep it in a cage, with a little exercise wheel.  Whenever
the hamster runs in the wheel, stand next to the cage and jog in place.  Tell
your roommate that the hamster is your "personal trainer."  Someplace outside
the room, let your roommate catch you eating a candy bar.  Beg him/her not to
tell the hamster about it.
9. After you take a shower, instead of drying yourself with a towel, stand in
the middle of the room and spin around 100 times. Spend an hour in bed,
complaining that you feel dizzy and sick.
10. Chew gum often.  When you're finished chewing it, store it in a drawer
until you've amassed a huge wad of used gum.  If your roommate inquires, go on
a tangent about recycling.  When the gum wad gets big enough, sit it in front
of the TV and let it watch cartoons.  Complain to your roommate that the gum wad
never watches anything educational.
11. Stick your head out the door and announce whatever your roommate is doing
to the rest of the building.  "He/She's getting out a book!" "He/She's taking
out his/her glasses!"  Go around the building and take requests for what people
would like your roommate to do.  Report the results to your roommate.
12. Bring your roommate gifts, but act angry and upset when you give them to
him/her.  If your roommate inquires, yell at him/her and shout "It is better to
give than to receive, you stupid moron!"
13. Get a duck.  While your roommate is out, put on some dance music, and wait
for your roommate to come back.  When he/she does, let him/her catch you
dancing with the duck.  Act surprised, turn off the music, and immediately go
to bed.  Get rid of the duck, and refuse to ever acknowledge that the incident
occurred.
14. Turn out all the lights, and wait for your roommate to come home.  When
he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a golf club.  Apologize, and
explain that you thought he/she was a burglar.
15. Make your roommate show you two forms of ID before you let him/her use the
telephone, microwave, etc.  If he/she ever refuses, scream for help, and accuse
your roommate of being an impostor.
16. Whenever your roommate wears something red, act like a bull and charge
him/her with your head, knocking him/her down if possible. Suggest that your
roommate sign up for matador lessons.
17. If your roommate snores, make a tape recording of it.  Play it at full
volume out your window.  Tell your roommate that you're trying to summon a
hippopotamus.
18. Every time you want to leave the room, stand and knock at the door until
someone in the hall lets you out.  If your roommate inquires, give him/her a
lecture on politeness.
19. Collect various types of insects.  Keep them in jars. Complain to your
roommate that the insects seem lethargic.  Start running bingo games for the
insects.  One day, while your roommate is out, release the insects and paint
insect bites and bee stings on your body.  When your roommate returns, advise
him/her to never cheat while playing with bingo-obsessed bugs.
20. Get an extension cord.  Put one end in your mouth, and plug the other end
into the wall each night while you do your homework.  If your roommate asks
about it, act as though you're ashamed for having been so foolish.  The next
day, pretend to drink some gasoline before doing your homework, and explain to
your roommate that gas is cheaper than electricity.