Govingia™ City, Govingia ™ July 25, 2002. In an astonishing turn of events, archeologists walking through Govingia™ National Park (GNP) discovered a 2.3 foot (1.6 Govingulls) long trilobite (Trilobitum humongus). The trilobite, a prehistoric creature found in Abundance (but not in Wisconsin) in the pre-Yourrealsic period (a very, very long time ago) had long been thought to rarely exceed one inch (0.054 Govingulls) in length. But this week's finding demonstrates without a shadow of a doubt (well, perhaps with a slight doubt -- after all, good scientists are never really certain) that trilobites of extremely large size were to be found zillions of years ago.

Even more amazing was that tourists had been walking over the fossilized remains of the trilobite for years without noticing it. Said chief archeologist, V. Gordon Adult, "People walking through the park must have thought that it was an exposed drainpipe whereas in reality it was a huge trilobite. The difference is pretty obvious to those of us trained in archeology. Drainpipes are of the same diameter for their entire length, while trilobites taper off at the ends. That clinched it for me."

The trilobite will be unearthed and carefully preserved on display at the Govingian Museum of Archeology and Drainage in Govingia ™ City beginning next month. Visitors are urged to get tickets early as this display will undoubtedly attract large crowds.

Govingia™ City, Govingia ,™ June 31, 2002. In an astonishing turn of events, the remains of a rare Malian tyre snake were recently unearthed near the village Tyre-one-on, in northeast Govingia.™ The tyre snake (Serpentus treadius) is normally found only in the Sahelian nation of Mali. Moreover, the tyre snake is rarely found intact, as it has a lethal defense against would-be predators. The tyre snake (so-named for its tread-like markings) blows it self up if predators are in the vicinity, often making a loud, popping sound. This is particularly the case if drivers run over them accidentally.

Scientific research has shown that this behavior is easily explained by evolutionary theory. Specifically, by blowing itself up when faced with a predator such as the deadly suv (Serpentius utilitas vehiculus ) the tyre snake provides a warning to other members of its species to keep rolling along. Indeed, rarely, if ever, have two tyre snakes been known to blow themselves up at the same time. Thus, the apparently suicidal behavior of the tyre snake helps the species to survive.

What is quite inexplicable is how the tyre snake made its way all the way to Govingia.™ Several competing theories have been advanced by the finders of the tyre snake. According to one school of thought, the tyre snake had hidden in the chassis of a truck that made its way from Mali to Govingia.™ But opponents argue that the tyre snake may have simply taken two divergent evolutionary paths. Evidence favors that latter theory as numerous patterns can be found on the tyre snake -- patterns which provide evidence of speciation. For example, most Malian tyre snakes are of the Michelinus species, while the one found in Govingia ™ is of the Goodyearus species. Nevertheless, further study is warranted.

Govingia™ City, Govingia ™ August 10, 2002. In an extraordinary turn of events the Govingian National Assembly (known at the Diet) passed its Potty Parity bill. The bill passed through the LDL (or lower house) virtually unnoticed last year. This year, despite strong opposition from the conservative Lean party, members of the HDL (or upper house) easily passed the bill. After a brief discussion in the Privy Chamber, it was quickly signed by Govingian Prime Directive, George W. Tree, and has now passed into law.

As written the bill has several components that will virtually revolutionize Govingian toilet habits. These are shown from left to right above. First, special facilities will be required for girls with ponytails. This will prevent those pesky boys from pulling on them. Second, special facilities will be required for portly men. In particular, extra wide stalls will be required. (In both cases above, it should be noted that these facilities will only be available to people with disembodied heads.) Third, special rest rooms will be designed for men and women skiers. Anyone who has ever skied, knows how difficult it is to use the toilets with one's skis on. Using the latest in modern technologies, Govingian ski resorts will now be equipped with special facilities designed to accommodate skiers without requiring removal of the skis. Of course, facilities for women skiers will have more stalls so as to promote potty parity.

The measures have not been greeted warmly by Govingian hoteliers and restauranteurs. In fact, the Govingian Association of Resaurants, Institutions, Schools, and Hotels (GARISH) has filed a formal protest with the Diet, and has announced plans to sue. Said GARISH president, Brasserie Bistrot, "This is going too far. The next thing you know, they'll want us to remove arsenic from the drinking water! What is the world coming to?" Govingian Prime Directive, George W. Tree responded: "We would never go that far. A little arsenic never hurt anyone... well, just a few people, ... well, perhaps a few more than that... it couldn't have been too important."

Govingia™ City, Govingia ™ July 21, 2002. Economy

As a result of events far away on the New York stock market, the Govingian Stock Exchange began a steep spiral of decline over the last few months. Indeed, analysts described the decline as similar to a snowball going down a hill as the stock market spiraled ever downward. Spokesperson for the Govingian Stock Exchange, Myra O'My Rostow, noted that things might not be as bad as expected. "You have to remember that it is quite likely that we will experience a soft landing. It is not likely that the market will bomb. The flaps are up, the rudder is aligned, the wheels are down, the pilot has a howitzer, and the tarmac was just repaved. It has a solid foundation as well. It is quite likely that a takeoff will follow, during which we will go full throttle, jettisoning any unnecessary or undesirable baggage that may have been brought on board. In fact, we are ready for any security threat and have a random checking system in place to ensure that no terrorists can get on board with nail clippers despite the low ratings. I am confident that the public can be confident that we are confident that... Excuse me, I have to go now. There is an emergency....."

Govingia™ City, Govingia ™ August 13, 2002. The American teen rock idol, Broccoli Spears, will visit Govingia™ as part of her whirlwind tour of Europe next month. Known for her green hair, defensive posture, and sexual appeal, Broccoli will entertain spectators at the Salad Bowl, Govingian National University's well-known football stadium. Ms. Spears will sing her will known hit songs including "I'm just a vegetable," "Green with Envy," and "Spear me the details." Tickets are available now for both matinee and evening shows on August 29 and 30. For tickets, log onto to http://treasury.gov .

Are you tired of trying to keep your kids in line? Are they out of control? Do they talk back when they should keep their mouths shut? If so, you need The Home Despot! The Home Despot is a fundamentally new approach to keeping your kids under control. By virtue of high quality computer software and hardware, your Home Despot can keep any unruly kids under control. Just press the "spank" button for a good old fashioned spanking. Press "none of your lip" and The Home Despot will shout down any kid. And, for the toddler who refuses to be toilet trained, why not try The Home Despotty? Available in stores near you.

Govingia™ City, Govingia ™ August 13, 2002. At a cafe in Govingia ™ City, savants from around the world gathered together to discuss the significance of the color blue. Shown below are just a few of the participants in this debate which now enjoys global renown. From top to bottom are Selsun Blue, Wontyapaintmybrowneyes Blue, and Navy Blue, the ex-marine. The "bluees," as they have been known for years, come to Govingia each year to enjoy the multicolored discussion. This year, it is rumored that, in a move sure to please environmentalists, green will enter the debate. Not surprisingly, many Govingians are envious of this development.

Dear Editor,

I recently got on the Blue Line at the airport and continued to Clark and Lake where I changed to the Green Line. After several hours it became apparent to me that the Green Line did not go anywhere near Govingia. Can you please tell me how to get there on public transportation? Perplexed.

Dear Perplexed,

It is really quite easy to get to Govingia on public transportation. First, get the GG local to Brooklyn. Change at Atlantic Avenue for the Yellow Line and get off at l'Enfant Plaza. Take the number 1 train in the direction of La Defense. Get off at Porte Maillot and change for the Red Line. Get off at Circus Maximus and walk the rest of the way.
--Editor

(Govingia™ This Month reserves the right to edit letters to fit space and style limitations.) Address all letters to Govingia™ This Month, P.O. Box 2300, Govingia™ City, Govingia™ L3a 234.)