and 
Govingia™ City, Govingia™ May 31, 1997. After months of careful planning, the First International Shallow Ecology Conference has been planned for July 1-7, 1998. The conference will take place at the Govingiana Hotel and will feature the key figure in shallow ecology, Dr. Locke Ness. Other equally shallow speakers are invited as well.
But, you say, what is Shallow Ecology? Shallow Ecology focuses on the appearance of things, the obvious, rather than Deep Ecology which claims to focus on that which is hidden. Also, unlike Deep Ecology which argues that the earth is one organism, Shallow Ecology argues that the earth consists of many organisms. Thus, shallow ecologists study ordinary organisms like people, crabs, mites, bacilli, and even cats. Shallow ecologists never wander very far from shore, however. This probably accounts for their lower rate of swimming accidents.
Govingia™ City, Govingia™
July 19, 1997. The Govingian government today revealed a plan to stop
the development of the remaining wild lands in Govingia
™. The ingenious plan would literally hide the land
from developers, such they would not even consider using it. Members of
the Diet (the Govingian Parliament) applauded the move, as it would not
require any coercive government action. As one member said, "This way
there will be no need for additional regulations. Developers will not even
recognize the wild lands after we finish our job." The entire cost
of hiding the wild lands will be paid for by a tax on fingernail clippings.
(Photo ©1997. Reproduced courtesy of R. Gallup, 9087 Chillicothe Road, Kirtland, OH 44094.)
Govingia™ City, Govingia™ June 15, 1997. After months of delay, the world's first food court opened today in Govingia™ City. King Burger XXXIV, on hand for the opening celebration, congratulated the Govingian court system for creating the new institution. The food court is located in a new shopping mall on the edge of downtown, where it will be easily accessible to virtually the entire population. The court will be specifically focused--as the name implies--on cases involving food products. Judge G. Smith-Apple, the noted Govingian jurist, will preside. Among the many cases on the docket are Jones vs. Tomatoes, in which the plaintiff is suing several farmers whose tomatoes were thrown at him during a speech. Jones's lawyer was quoted as saying that the tomatoes were improperly labelled, as they did not contain a warning that when thrown they might splatter. Jones himself was only slightly injured in the incident, but inside sources say that he is suing on principle.
Another case, Bessie et al. vs. Palston-Rurina involves a class action suit brought by the lawyers for a group of cows affected by Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis ( Mad Cow Disease). They argue that their clients suffered unduly as a result of the Mad Cow incident and that they should be properly compensated for their tribulations. A final case on the opening docket involves food disparagement. A group of Govingian broccoli growers are suing former US President George Bush for publicly announcing his dislike for broccoli. As one Govingian farmer put it, "My broccoli was virtually unsellable as a result of his careless remarks. The losses are in the millions."
The food court will open Monday at 10:00 a.m. The public is invited to sit in the (low fat) peanut gallery and watch the trials.
Govingia™ City, Govingia™
July 15, 1997. After passing the most comprehensive anti-cigarette legislation
in history, the Govingian Diet adjourned yesterday. Among the most important
provisions of the n
ew laws designed to curb smoking was
that prohibiting "the sale of cigarettes from vending machines located
in bars, restaurants, candy stores or other places where business is conducted."
But within hours of passage of the law, tobacco companies were hard at work
fighting back. They quickly placed hundreds of machines on the streets,
on back roads and even on the farm (Photo left). Moreover, they vowed to
continue the fight to get children to smoke by a series of subtle advertisements
that appear to link smoking and intelligence (Photo right) by depicting
a small boy smoking a cigarette while reading a newspaper.
A representative of the Govingian Antismoking Society (GAS) promptly called the entire episode "another in a long series of disgraceful events that demonstrate the lengths to which the Govingian cigarette manufacturers will go to lie to the public." However, Govingian Prime Directive, Invoice Clingon, in a televised speech to the nation, declared that government officials were already on the case and would soon remove the offensive machines. In a press release, he noted that "the cigarette companies have been hiding behind a smokescreen for years. In this case it is not a matter of smoke and mirrors for there are simply no mirrors, only smoke. I will do everything in my power to light up this terrible situation, to filter the information the industry is feeding us, and to prevent our children from being the butt of these ad campaigns." Further hearings are set for Friday if weather permits.
Govingia™ City, Govingia™ July 25, 1997. In a surprise move today the Govingian Diet declared that common names for fruit would henceforth be replaced with the more objective names listed on those extraordinarily annoying produce labels commonly used in supermarkets. For example, oranges will now be known as 4200. Each type of orange will have a subcode. Therefore, navel oranges will be known as 4245. "In so doing, the subjectivity inherent in ordinary language words such as 'orange' will be replaced with the objective and quantifiable 4200. Instead of wondering whether the fruit in question is an orange or a watermelon, fruits will be clearly marked 4200 or 8762. This will help both supermarket checkers and consumers alike," said Mr. Accu Racy, a spokesperson for the National Institute of Grades and Standards. The new designation will go into effect immediately.
Thanks for your excellent reporting of the tragedy caused by eating sharp cheddar cheese [May 1997]. Your article came just as I was about about to eat some. Luckily, I realized the folly of my ways and am still alive and well.
C. Queso
Dear Mr. Queso,
It is always a pleasure to help the public. That is what a free press is for.
Ed.
More to come...
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