and 
Govingia™ City, Govingia™, March 14, 1997. The Govingian Food and Drug Administration (GoFDA) today issued new rules that bar the importation of cheddar cheese into Govingia™. The ruling comes in the light of three deaths that have been attributed directly to the ingestion of large quantities of extra sharp cheddar cheese. Ms. Brie BonFromage, Mr. Monterrey Queso, and Ms. Gouda Edam were hospitalized after eating the cheese. After four hours of intensive care, all three died of internal bleeding. Autopsies revealed that the sharp cheese had cut through their intestinal walls, leading to hemmoraging and rapid death. The GoFDA rapidly issued the new rules, much to the dismay of US and British cheese companies. Funeral services will be held for the unfortunate threesome on Monday at the Our Lady of Spain Cathedral.
Govingia™ City, Govingia, March 10, 1997. Hot on the heels of the sheep cloned in Scotland, the Govingian genetic engineering firm, Clones 'R Us, announced the successful cloning of reknowned sociologist, Fernando Henrique Cardoso. Cardoso, who is also President of Brazil, was unavailable for questioning, but his clone, Fernando Henrique Cardoso, was available to speak to the press. "As some of you know, there has been some debate as to whether I will be able to run for a second term as President. I concluded that by cloning myself I could advance the cause of science and legally run for president a second time," said Cardoso in his lengthy and animated press conference.
His clone added, "It didn't take me long to catch up
on what had happened since Fernando Henrique was born. You see, they put
genes for just about everything in me. I even have a gene for letter writing.
That way I can do everything just exactly the way Fernando Henrique does
it. And, that gene for sociology is just great. (It is second on the fourth
chromosome, right after the one for puns and before the one for word processing.)
There is little doubt that all sociologists have one, but it isn't always
expressed. After all, there is a psych gene that is sometimes dominant.
But in my case they got two recessives. When combined with the historian
gene it is about as good as it gets."
Protestors, picketing outside the President's house, argue that it is immoral to clone humans. When Cardoso was asked about the morality of the experiment , he replied, "It just get's my goat! These guys telling me how to live my lives don't realize just how hectic being a sociologist and a president can be. Just last year I was supposed to be teaching a class in São Paulo, presenting a paper at a conference in Stockholm, consulting in Govingia™, riding a bicycle with my mother, and putting up a new picture on the wall in the bedroom all at the same time. It's just impossible. No one can do all that. That's why I decided to get a clone made. And those people at Clones 'R Us are so nice. They let me choose just about everything about the clone. So naturally, I got the designer genes which come in sizes just right for mature men. It was really great. I don't feel blue at all."
Others have already raised ethical questions about the cloning as well. For example, Immanuel Wallerstein, President of the International Sociological Association, noted that this would raise a host of new issues for the quadrennial meetings. "Already, there is not enough space on the program, but if sociologists go around cloning themselves, we will have to expand the meeting to three weeks or run sessions 24 hours a day," said Wallerstein.
Meanwhile Govingian scientists at Chromoclone explained that the technique they used is unlikely to be of value in cloning anyone who is not a sociologist. Spokesperson Genie Genetique, in an exclusive interview with Govingia™ This Month explained that sociologists have a gene that codes for criticality and that is essential in the cloning technique. Asked why so many sociologists are acritical, she explained that the gene is not always expressed in every environment. The gene appears to be absent for most other occupational groups except lawyers, of whom there are already too many. Ms. Genetique also explained that Clones 'R Us is hot on the trail of the gene that codes for television watching. "When we find that one, we will be able to clone hundreds of people who really enjoy watching television all day. However, it involves inserting potato genes into otherwise intelligent individuals, a process that may well be restricted by government decree.
President Cardoso was last seen working hard on a new speech while President Cardoso was addressing Congress. "I get twice as much out of life now," says he.
Govingia™ City, February 31, 1997. Frank Pena-Diaz announced today the formation of the Govingian Chapter of the International Front for Liberation of Germs, Viruses, and Prions. Conrade Pena-Diaz, calling attention of the Govingian masses to their previous ignorance of the International Front, stated that it was long past time that Germs and Viruses were given voice amongst the hosts of endangered species. He also added that prions had been joined to the list of species threatened with extinction ever since the explosion of Mad Cows in the United Kingdom.
"Prions have been added," Pena-Diaz stated, "because, with the destruction of 10 million cows in the U.K., the method of destruction -- burning -- was now threatening the prion population. But prions are no different than Germs and Viruses," he announced, "although their biological basis is different. All three life forms are now under threat of extinction -- which," he said, brow lowering in anguish, "represents a threat not only to the variety of species but also to the scientific creation by God."
"It's about time that someone spoke up for GVP [Germs, Viruses, and Prions], because, in their silence, they have no place to go except OUT! Fortunately, the International Front has accepted this responsibility and, with our joining them, we expect to become welcoming hosts to the threatened life forms.
"Do you know," he queried dozens of reporters in a news conference held on the steps of a just-sanitized City Hall in downtown Govingia™ City, "that at this very moment, a committee is meeting to decide whether to destroy the last remnants of bacteria that killed 14 million people in Europe in the Middle Ages? And Govingia™ was not exempt since 78% of our population died in that epidemic. Nevertheless, the destruction of this last remnant of Germs will leave the world, and Govingia™, bereft of their benificence.
"Think of the possibilities of mobility and motility if those Germs were to be freed from this iminent threat of extinction. Govingia™ has to join the rest of the civilized world by joining the International Front. Locally," he pointed out, "the Govingian Chapter will operate under the name of the Germ, Virus, and Prion Liberation Front (GVPLF) whose acronym is "Pascudnyak." [Editor's note: this is because of the peculiarities of the Govingian alphabet, a subject that was addressed in Govingia™ This Month in July 1984.]
Spectators hovering on the periphery of the news conference announced their spontaneous delight at the formation of the new organization.
Govingia™ City, Govingia™,
May 1, 1997. The 53,000 residents of the small nation of Andorra were
shocked when they woke up this morning to find themselves surrounded by
57 million Frenchmen and nearly 40 million Spaniards (see map). According
to a local informant who preferred to remain anonymous, "We had been
expecting this for some time, but we never thought that it would occur so
rapidly. As I understand it, government officials are now meeting secretly
to decide what to do about it. But I am not very optimistic that we will
find a solution to the problem. Now that the Cold War is over, no one really
cares much about these sorts of things." Nevertheless, calm prevails
in Andorra where most residents are going about their daily business as
usual. The Vatican has sent a message of sympathy, noting that "we
have been surrounded by Italians for years."
Govingia™ City, Govingia™, April 14,
1997. Government economists predict a 15% rise in Christmas ornament
exports this year as a result of a bumper harvest (see photo). Last year's
production had been lower than expected as a result of Victoria Blight.
Ms. Blight virtually ruined a good portion of the fragile harvest by stomping
on them in a fit of rage. This year, a restraining order and particularly
good weather have combined to produce a bumper crop, most of which will
be sold in neighboring countries.
Although coveted by collectors throughout the world, Govingian Christmas ornaments are relatively rare. The particular microclimate in Govingia™ provides the ideal setting for production, but recent urban sprawl has eliminated some of the best ornament-growing farms. In an exclusive interview with Govingia™ this Month, one former farmer, Pere Noel, explained the problem: "We used to have 2000 glincks (about 2 hectares) of ornament trees right near downtown, but with rising land prices and high taxes we just had to sell. Today, our farm is the site of three high rise office buildings which are the headquarters for the GIII (Govingian International Insurance Institute). Its a darn shame, if you ask me." Although they are usually rather nice, GIII officials refused to comment on this story.
Govingia™ City, Govingia™, April 23, 1997. In a surprise move, the Govingian Service for Unrequested Contributions, Govingia™'s equivalent to the US Internal Revenue Service, announced that it would provide each taxpayer with a complimentary flower as thanks for paying their taxes. A spokesperson for the GSUC said during a special news conference that "We felt it was time to do something for those loyal persons who every year ante up a sizeable portion of their income as their civic duty. Therefore, we decided to provide each and every taxpayer with a fresh flower carefully chosen from among the many at the Royal Flowerarium." Each taxpayer will soon receive a yellow rose by post. When asked what he thought of the idea, one taxpayer noted that he had always wanted to receive the yellow rose of taxes.
Govingia™ City, Govingia™, April
18, 1997. For the third year in a row, Govingian fish exports rose.
In addition to some small increases in salmon, halibut, and menhaden exports,
there was huge increase in exports of an aquarium fish that is unique to
Govingia™. The miniature salmon, also known as the salmonella, saw
a tripling of exports to 15 million Govinds during the 1996-97 season. The
small fish are often exported in special raw eggs, where they continue to
multiply after harvesting. However, some foreign governments have recently
imposed arbitrary quarantines on them. Govingia™ intends to appeal
the quarantines to the World Trade Organization as unfair restraint of free
trade.
I hear that your site is now among the top 99.9% of all websites. Congratulations.
Devoted Fan.
Dear Fan,
Yes, you are quite right. We are pleased to be in this select group.
Ed.
More to come...
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