Park Officials Deny Accusations

Russian Spy Caught in Net

Govingians Line Up for Free Software!

TV Series Causes Mass Fear

Book Review: Thus Spake Rutabaga

Letters to Govingia™ This Month

Govingia™ City, December 14, 1996. Officials at Govingia™ National Park were charged today with prejudicial treatment of animals by the Govingian Animal Rights Movement (GARM). GARM announced it would file suit in favor of any animal that might be convicted of trespassing by violating the blatantly obvious sign found at the park entrance. Nevertheless, park officials have made it clear that they do not intend to given in on this one. Said one official, "Animals just mess up what otherwise would be an extraordinarily clean park."

Just which animals are excluded is not specified in the ordinance. Some have argued that all animals are included from microorganisms to human beings. Others have attempted to grant exceptions to higher organisms including humans.

Govingia™ City, December 20, 1996. An alleged Russian spy, Netasha Netska, was taken into custody today in a pre-dawn raid on her apartment in the small town of Endgame in northern Govingia™. The raid marked the end to six months of top secret surveillance of her whereabouts. She is now charged with using computer technology to disrupt the Internyet. Netska is a computer programmer for the Govingian software giant, Macrohard. When her immediate supervisor, Bill Fences, was asked about the incident, he expressed dismay at the charges raised: "Ms. Netska has always been an excellent employee. Whatever was Gudenoff for her, was equally satisfactory for me. I cannot believe that she was stealing secrets off the Internyet." Officials at the Govingian Bureau of Investigation would not comment on the charges other than to say that she was caught in a tangled web by her own doings. The court has yet to set a date for her trial.

Govingia™ City, December 9, 1996. Thousands of Govingians lined up today to receive copies of a new software program developed by Govingian software magnate, Bill Fences, President of Macrohard. The software was given away free to the first 10,000 people who came with blank floppy disks to the "Download Entrance" to the Macrohard Center on Back Street in Govingia™ City. By 11:00 A.M. all copies had been given away. As far as can be discerned, the ingenious software has the startling effect of doing absolutely nothing other than taking up space on hard disks. At one point it was thought that the software would cure warts, but this rumor has been repeatedly denied by Macrohard representatives. The same representatives assured us that if anyone found that the program did anything, they would be offered a full refund of the price they paid for it.

When Fences was asked what made him give away the software, he replied: "While the price is really unbelievably low, I am convinced that we will compensate for the low price by the enormous sales and the total lack of competition for this type of software. Govingians are really ready for this sort of high quality promotion." It remains to be seen whether Fences's prediction will be proven true, but news of the giveaway brought heavy trading in Macrohard stock, which ended the day with a five point gain over the previous day's closing.

Govingia™ City, December 13. Physicians at Central Hospital are at a loss to explain why so many Govingians are fearful of the American television series, Xena. The series, which recently began to air on Govingian television, features an ancient Greek cast with American accents, in which the heroine is a warrior princess, Xena. To date, 42 Govingians have been hospitalized after being overcome with fear from watching the series. Most of those overcome are male (41 out of 42). Dr. Adam Cartwright, chief physician at the hospital, was quoted as saying that although its origins are obscure, there is little doubt that all 42 persons were suffering from "Xenaphobia." The disease is marked by a fear of television characters of foreign ancestry. The Govingian Academy of Medicine has petitioned the government to provide more funds to study this rare disease. Several foreign governments, including that of the United States, have offered aid, but Govingians appear fearful of accepting it.

Govingia™ City, December 10, 1996. Thus Spake Rutabaga, a new book by the famed Sino-Govingian essayist, Lichi, has been issued by the University Press of Govingia™. The book is purported to be the first documented case of communication with a vegetable. Using a new, radical approach Professor Lichi, really gets to the root of the matter by denying the existence of the rutabaga right to its leaves. By doing so Professor Lichi was able to insult the rutabaga sufficiently so as to get it to talk. Once talking, a brief apology was sufficient for an interview.

Doubters claim that Prof. Lichi is a nut. They note that rutabagas are tubers with undifferentiated cells that have nothing remotely resembling a brain. Indeed, they argue that it is entirely unclear that rutabagas even have the necessary vocalizing apparatus to make speech possible. Confronted with this criticism, Prof. Lichi scoffs. "These nihilists! If they had read my book, they would know that what I am saying is true. The epidermal layer acts as a transposon, causing a polymerase chain reaction when exposed to nuclear power. This, in turn, makes possible mitosis, meiosis and halitosis. After several seconds, the pericarp turns purple and emits low frequency sounds that can be detected by amplifiers similar to those used in Rolling Stones concerts." Already a best seller in Govingia™, The book is available now at all fine bookstores for G3789 or $63.75. Don't miss it!

I have noticed that Govingia™ This Month does not seem to appear monthly. Why is this the case?

Avid Reader

Dear Avid,

You are quite correct. You should remember that Govingia™ This Month is the name of this magazine, and has nothing to do with the frequency of publication. Usually the frequency is about 133 Megahertz. -ed.

Dear Editor,

I am madly in love with you. I cannot do without you. I want to kiss your soft lips. I want to touch your callouses. I want to rub your knees. I cannot do without you. Please do not leave me.

Lovingly,

Your Love

Dear Your,

Thank you very much for your entertaining letter. Unfortunately, it is the policy of this magazine not to accept love letters and other personal materials. Should you desire to write about some important event of international significance, please feel free to write again. Otherwise, use your cell phone. -ed.

More to come...