and 
Govingia™ City, Govingia™. August 19. The Govingian national elections campaigns are heating up as the two front-running candidates for Prime Directive, Invoice Clingon and Plumb (Bob) Dolt shift their campaigns into high gear. To date incumbent Clingon has suggested that if re-elected he will value families while challenger Dolt claims to honor family values.
Dolt's brilliant proposal to reduce taxes cross the board by 14.99% seems clearly designed to erase the national debt, last estimated at 2,000,000,000,000 Govinds. In brief, his proposal will cut taxes thereby inducing consumer spending on Japanese electronics, thereby increasing the production of high priced electronics made in Japan, thereby increasing the balance of payments deficit. Then, by bludgeoning the Japanese for trade concessions, Govingians will sell three times as much breakfast cereal to the Japanese. This in turn will make the Japanese eager for goods from Govingia™. (Perhaps there is something in the cereal.) They will buy more raising the production and productivity of Govingian workers while increasing tax revenues. At the same time he has assured everyone that social programs will be protected.
In contrast, Prime Directive Clingon proposes to give tax breaks to middle class families so that they can send their kids to college where they can be educated for low paying jobs. In addition, he proposes to restructure the educational system by putting internet connections at every desk of every student. With this, it will be possible to do away with teachers letting the kids have fun playing games all day on their computers. Doing away with teachers will also reduce the deficits that local school systems face.
Both proposals are being greeted sceptically by dark horse,
Palomino Parrot, who is likely to enter the race as a third party candidate
(for the Parrot party) providing each potential voter with a flip chart
chock full of graphs showing what is happening to the nation. Parrot, who
received a significant number of votes in the previous election, but who
many people think is for the birds, claims that what Govingia™ needs
is a good dose of realism. However, it is unclear with he is for real or
not. Continue to read Govingia™ This Month for more coverage
of this excremental election.
WOMAN DIES
FROM EATING TOO MANY TOMATOES
Govingia™ City, Govingia™. August 22. A woman died today from eating too many tomatoes. Authorities report that a Ms. Pomme de Terre, a longtime resident of Govingia™ who is of French origin, took advantage of the extraordinarily abundant tomato harvest this year by consuming over 6 kilograms of raw tomatoes at one sitting. A neighbor found her slumped on the ground near her home. She was rushed to the hospital where doctors found that she was tomatose and near death. Despite valiant efforts to save her, she died soon afterwards. Funeral services will be held next Wednesday.
Govingia™ City, Govingia™.
August 18. In addition to the familiar black trash cans (see photo
left), local sanitation officials have started placing the new blue
fishbone trash cans (see photo right) around the city in conspicuous
locations. These new trash recepticles are specially designed to handle
the large volume of fish bones that usually wind up at the local landfill
sites. With these new trash cans, city officials estimate that perhaps as
much as five tons of fish bones can be recycled as park benches, statues
and coffee cups. Leader of the Govingian Green Party, Andrea Verte, praised
the city for its imagination and openmindedness. However, in the ritzy neighborhood
surrounding Hermeneutic Circle residents complained that the cans will give
off foul odors and are unaesthetic. They plan to demonstrate in front of
City Hall next week. Govingia™ City , August 15. A Govingian couple, James and Muriel Agua, left today from the Govingia™ City dock. They plan to float down the Rhine River in an inner tube to the Atlantic Ocean where they will begin the perilous voyage to America. They expect to complete the voyage in two and a half months if the currents are as predicted. They have stocked 2 1/2 tons of food, supplies, and all-weather gear on the lower deck of their inner tube. Asked why they want to cross the ocean in this manner, James replied, "Most people cross the ocean by plane these days. As a result they rarely get to see all of the beautiful ocean scenery. They don't know the North Atlantic from the South Pacific. By crossing this way, we hope to get a real feel for the ocean. And, besides, this way we can really get to be together."
Meanwhile, US Immigration officials said that they would
be on the lookout for the Aguas, who reportedly do not have an American
entry visa. An immigration official who asked not to be identified said,
" As soon as they enter the 200 mile limit, they will be in violation
of US immigration laws. We intend to arrest them as soon as they attempt
to enter the country. Illegal immigration is too big a problem these days
to tolerate this blatant attack on American sovereignty. Besides, they will
probably want to go on welfare as soon as they arrive."
INSECT RIGHTS MOVEMENTS TRIUMPHS IN PARLIAMENT
Govingia™ City, August 10, 1996.
The Govingian parliament, otherwise known as the Diet, today passed a law
granting insects all the rights granted to other sentient beings in the
kingdom. The text of the law will be published in full in the Govingian
Legal Annals (Gôvingiànan Annâlsus Lègälus)
next week. In brief, the new law requires that insects receive access to
all government services and not be discriminated against on public transportation.
A series of steps have been mandated such that insects have full rights
by 2011. Soon after the law was passed, special busses were created to help
insects travel from city to city. The new "Flybussen" (see
photo at left) will carry only flying insects. Other vehicles, with
a slightly different design will be used to ferry crawling insects around
the kingdom.
Govingia™ City, August 11, 1996. Ignoring orders by the Govingian government, taxicab drivers in Govingia™ City today took the streets, yelling in broken English, "Cabby Worky," as they marched from City Hall to the Parliament Building. They also painted numerous signs with the same saying all over the capital (see photo above). Drivers were protesting the virtual lack of tourists in Govingia™, largely the result of the government's allegedly inept tourism campaign. Demitri Camion, head of the Govingian Association of Taxicab Takers (GATT) complained bitterly of the virtual lack of taxis anywhere in the city.
Drivers have been grounded since last thursday as a result
of the longstanding dispute with the Office of Taxicab Allowances (OTA)
over the color of the interior upholstery of taxicabs. The OTA demands that
interiors be red on the grounds that numerous surveys show that tourists
prefer this interior color. However, drivers insist that carmine is the
traditional color and that it shold stay that way. Drivers say that they
want to work and will do so as soon as the government eliminates the demand
for red interiors. As no talks between the parties are scheduled, it appears
that taxis will be in short supply for the foreseeable future.
Letters to Govingia™ This Month
(Govingia™
This Month reserves the right to edit letters to fit space and style
limitations.) Address all letters to Govingia™ This Month, P.O.
Box 2300, Govingia™ City, Govingia™ L3a 234.)
Dear Editor,
As an avid reader of Govingia™ This Month, one cannot fail to notice the ™ that appears after the name of your country. To my knowledge no other nation has anything quite like this. What is it?
Puzzled in Portland
Dear Puzzled,
It is really quite simple. Under the Govingian Kingship
Succession Act of 3 June 1432, the ™ is to be inserted everytime the
name of our country is written out in order to inform everyone that Govingia™
is a monarchy. In Govingian, ™ means "Théè Mônàrçhy"
(The Monarchy in English). You are quite right; no other nation has anything
quite like it. But our King (Burger LXXII) has seen fit to continue its
traditional usage. Most Govingians support this quaint custom. Ed.
Dear
Editor,
Where is Govingia™ located? I cannot find it on any map.
Geographically Challenged.
Dear Geographically,
Govingia™ is a small nation nestled in the foothills
of the Alps, located at the confluence of the Rhine and Danube just to the
north of the Ukraine and to the south of France. Indeed, it is the fact
that the Rhine and Danube cross right in the middle of Govingia™ City
(the capital) that makes Govingia™ such a strategic location for shipping.
Any good map of Europe should denote its location, but some mapmakers are
wont to pass over small nations such as Govingia™. That is one of the
reasons why we have started this magazine. People need to know more about
the smaller nations of the world. Ed.
Dear Editor,
I cannot understand why Govingians are so upset about the US restrictions on export of certain types of software. With all the dangerous terrorists out there, and the Arabs, Jews, Chinese, Communists, Africans, Irish Catholics, Philatelists, Russians, Caucasians, Asians, Numerologists, Dentists and Buddhists, no one is safe anymore. Why should the US give these people access to the latest software from which they can build more deadly computer viruses? Haven't we got enough sickness in the world?
Concerned Computer
Dear Concerned,
Actually, Govingians are hard at work attempting to destroy
new computer viruses. Using the materials and methods of genetic engineering,
they have isolated the genetic codes for viruses and are proceeding to innoculate
all computers in Govingia™ against them. I should also note that Govingia™'s
enlightened social policies allow Dentists and Buddhists, Greens and Other
Vegetables, Christians and Forensic Anthropologists to live together in
harmony. Ed.
More to come ...
Return Home